Binge Thinking

I don't know why but I get interested in a subject then I research that subject until I'm exhausted with it and don't do ANYTHING with the information I have just accumulated.

It is almost like binge eating, but binge thinking instead. I mindlessly search though thousands of websites and all the information that I can gather about a subject. I can easily sort out any false information usually repeated a hundred times but all lead to one source on a shady site. Then I'm so full of the subject ingesting one more piece of information is too much.

But all that information is stored there, waiting for some random person to say, oh have you heard of that. I'll retort that not only have a I heard of that but I have found the very constitution of that subject at its core. Then it is usually their turn to be overloaded with the information that I generously provided and protect themselves with saying they just wanted to know if I heard about it, not really interested in the subject themselves.

Then why the hell did you ask?

I have friends and family that will ask me to do a binge research on a subject and let me know which product/opinion/idea is better and when I come back to them they don't want to know how I got to the conclusion, or the hours of research and false information I sorted through. Sure many of them will wade through my wake of my research, but I know ultimately they want the final answer.

I've even gotten the, "Well, why do you make that sit through all of that." Seriously, I spend hours and sometimes even days researching for someone, and they don't appreciate my efforts, Hell Yes, I'll make you sit through how I got through the whole process to get your answer.

Have I ever gotten wrong information? Well, Misinformation is the internet's middle name, so yeah.

Now, you can't just come to me and tell me I'm wrong after I've done days worth of heavy research. Logical reasoning is the only proper method to have a debate. The use of the phrase, this is how it is always been, will not be considered in any debate. Tradition does not override logic. I'll be asking for your sources and references. If you can't provide, I'll look into the subject again. If you give me valid information and logical it stands that I have been incorrectly informed, which does happen, then I will concede my opinion. 

I'm not saying I'm smarter than anyone, or that I'm always right, or that my information is superior, but I work hard to validate my opinions and search deep for true facts. I don't take anything at face value, and maybe my skepticism helps me in my research, but I can't say that I won't admit when I'm incorrect. I hate to say I'm wrong, because to me that implies a level of intentional misinformation.

Information is important, and powerful. Misinformation can be just as powerful.

I try to see find the truth in all things and going with the crowd is less important that seeing true.

Parvovirus for Humans?

Sedentary lifestyle... That's all I kept hearing from the Walk-in-Clinic Doctors. I'm fat, not lazy! I went to my GP, who knows me better than those other doctors, and we talked about my lab tests coming back negative for all sorts of possibilities. The pain had gone away and I was doing better. I feel like I can go walking again, etc. Then he said a strange sentence, "Well, it sounds like you could have had Parvo."

This was strange and confusing! First, a doctor, just suggested an illness other than being fat and lazy! Wow!

So the fact that I walk to the dog park and go hiking with my friends and if it rains I walk around Costco for hours, doesn't count as sedentary? Strange, every other doctor seems to think so!

Second, did he just say I have a dog disease???


Parvo or Canine Parvovirus (CPV) is a highly contagious viral disease that can produce a life-threatening illness in dogs and cats. The virus attacks rapidly dividing cells in a dog’s body, and when young animals are infected, it can most likely kill your dog, which is why dogs are vaccinated at 8 weeks old.

But, it is not a zoonotic disease; a disease that can be transmitted from animals to people or can infect humans.

So, what's the dillio??

Apparently there is a HUMAN Parvovirus (not HPV) that is known as Fifths Disease in children.

Fifth disease is usually mild. Especially common in kids between the ages of 5 and 15, fifth disease is a viral illness that produces a distinctive red lacy rash on the face, body, arms, and legs.

Adults don't usually develop the slapped-cheek rash. Instead, the most prominent symptom of parvovirus infection in adults is joint soreness, lasting days to months. Joints most commonly affected are the hands, wrists, knees and ankles.

All my sources of my pain. There is no testing to see if it was CPS (Couch Potato Syndrome) or Parvovirus, since the virus at that point had already worked it's course through my body.

I have to say, I'm thinking I'm liking my doctor so far. If anything it has given me more of a reason to keep being active. Maybe I didn't hurt myself by being active, maybe it was a virus. I'm still going to push myself to be more fit and better active.

I feel less defeated knowing it was a virus and not me being fat, and well, if the symptoms fit...

Fat causes pain

I started a physically demanding job, even though I'm quite out of shape and overweight. I thought that it might help. It was only part time and didn't seem soooo physically demanding when I started.

Take the dogs out of the cage outside to the bathroom.

Put the dogs back in the cage.

Feed.

Water. 

Repeat.

Clean up afterwards.

Sounds pretty easy. That was when it was 20 dogs with 2 people. I pushed myself through the ache in my feet, sometimes my knees. It was a normal ache. Pain I should have from walking all day. Normal, normal achiness.

Then we got to over 100 dogs and still 2 people. I had to take more breaks, it took us sooo much longer and my feet started to really hurt. My wrists hurt too, and my thumbs. My toes suddenly started to hurt too. Then I had to sit down. Another worker came by to pick up slack. By the end of the day I was in tears.

I didn't get up again. I couldn't walk the next day. I tried soaking in epson salt. I was on 3 pills of aleve. My feet were so swollen that I couldn't get shoes on. I felt like I was walking on broken glass. I called in, I couldn't come in. I told my boss I was going to the doctors.  

Every joint in my body hurt. 

The doctor pressed on all my joints, and I wanted to punch him in the face. He was worried with all my other issues that I might have RA (Rheumatoid arthritis), or some equally serious issues. I told him what was going on at work, the hours, etc. He gave me a note for a week off from work, but in the long run I may have to quit.

In all honestly, I was thinking about quitting anyway.  The other workers talked about quitting 'staging an intervention' like they did last summer about not having enough workers on staff for the amount of dogs and not giving breaks and working them too many hours, or not enough hours. Hearing this I wanted to quit anyway. I really didn't need a headache, but I was planning to last through the holiday weekend. With the week off I needed, that wasn't going to happen.

So I quit. I called up and told her that the doctor gave me a week off. However in the long term he doesn't think this position is right for me. I apparently have some serious issues going on and need to take care of them. I apologized for the inconvenience and we said goodbye. It was actually hard for me. I liked my job, what I was doing, not who I was doing it for.

My pain pills ran out a couple of days later. My regular physician doesn't have any appointments available. So off to the walk-in clinic. I had to drive myself. Saw a different doctor this time. My test results came back, no inflammation, no RA, no Arthritis, all normal test results! He thinks that it may be my weight. Tests for tick-borne illnesses although he feels it is less likely because I don't have a fever.

Yesterday, my husband forgot my pain pills. So, I've only had two Aleve. I hurt but not as much as I previously did. I feel like I can walk a little bit more without pain. Maybe I just am a fat lady who worked herself too hard trying to act like I wasn't 300lbs and living a sedentary lifestyle before I starting walking 10 miles a day 4-5 days a week for a month.

My feet still hurt. I was tossing and turning from pain all night, but I got through it. I'll take a shower today and go to the pool and chill out for a while. Hopefully my husband won't forget the pain pills this time.

Self-Guilt

There are times where I feel an immense amount of guilt, usually stuff I shouldn't even feel guilty about, sometimes for no reason at all. It can be slow coming, like I feel it creeping up on me, taking me down until I'm on my knees and can't breath, crying on the floor for something I've not done. Other times it is like someone slamming down from behind, never saw it coming, just tears streaming down my face.

"Why am I even like this?"

Either way I feel like I am a horrible person.

"How could I be living when I do so much wrong?"

"What is wrong with me?"            
     
                            "How could I not know this*?"

"Aren't I smarter than this?"

          "You should do/know/be better?"

*'This' being something I did or nothing at all.

All these thoughts, or was it words people have said to me?, come into my head. They tell me I'm wrong, but I don't understand why.

There was that time I said something stupid to a friend in front of her friends, and everyone looked at me like, "what was wrong with me?" I don't even remember what I said, just the way they looked at me and how I felt. I used to play with my cousin all the time. He is clinically insane, now. I was only trying to enforce the rules of the game, and he kept screaming. They all came in and yelled at me. Is it my fault? I didn't do laundry today. What is wrong with me that I can't even do the laundry. I shouldn't have turned on the computer. Hours when by, and I didn't get it done. He's going to be so home soon and disappointed in me. Why didn't I get anything done & why didn't I make dinner? I was home all day. I could have whipped together something quick. How hard is it to boil rice, Leesa? ... ... ...

The thoughts could go on and on and on, about things that if anyone else were to read would wonder why I am upset, scared, anxious, or even feel guilty about it. I've learned to pull apart the pangs of guilt I had. I had to reason it out and tried hard to convince myself that these things don't even matter. Most of the things I've done that I still feel guilty about no one else remembers. I didn't make anyone hate me forever, or go insane, or ruin anyone's life. I could apologize all I want to these people, they wouldn't care. It wouldn't matter to them. Why should it matter to me?

One of the most important things I did, was to forgive myself. Really truly forgive myself. I was curled up on the floor, crying, unable to breath and I pulled apart what happened. I reached into the memory and thought logically, did I really do anything wrong? No. Then why should I go on hating myself for something that no one else is angry or upset at me for, that there is no one but myself to apologize to, and in truth I did not do anything so wrong that I need to put myself in this state of fear and hatred. The people who you thought you angered, they are no longer upset, so they obviously forgave you. You can forgive yourself. Let it go, breath, cry now because you feel uplifted, and get up and move on.

 Most importantly know that many of the people that you think you've done wrong, thought you were pretty cool most of the time. Many of the people that I have shouting in my head, telling me I'm not good enough, actually love me. They love me so much that if they knew the pain I go though because of something they said to me, they would take it back instantly. I know this because I asked them. I told them how I was tormented by their voices inside my head screaming that I was wrong. They cried for me. They told me that I was loved. That I was cared for, & that I can move on.*

This isn't to say I don't occasionally feel anxiety or guilt or shame. I still have it, but it doesn't last for days as I had let it previously. I still get anxiety but I feel much better on a daily basis, and I can only go up from here.

*I didn't talk to everyone that I ever had a feeling a guilt about saying or doing something. But I did talk to more than one and they all said the same thing, "I never meant for you to feel that way." I'm sure there will be people in your life who wish you to stay feeling this way, but that is there problem, not yours. You still have to forgive yourself and know that there are many other people in your life that love you just the way you are.